returning!

hi all! its been a super long while hasn’t it? I’ve just been busy with life, kids, fiance, my long-awaited hysterectomy surgery and now, some intense job search. Plus, i really needed to take a break from the things that I was blogging, even though I havent really spilled all that much, but it was weighing me down pretty badly. it was like a heavy weight settled itself nicely on my chest, and i felt like i was a kid again, reliving the fun emotional and mild physical abuse i had the privilege of growing up with. to put it simply, it sucked. i thought it would be cleansing and it would bring me closure to being able to let go, and close that chapter of my life. but sitting here now, i think I’ve done pretty well with repairing myself, for the most part anyway.. I’ll always be damaged, but who of us, as adults, arent damaged in some way?

so as I said, ive just been busy living my life.. i had a hysterectomy 4 weeks and 2 days ago.. let me just say, aside from the first few days of healing and recovering, I’m SO damn happy i was able to finally have it done.. i wont go into details as to why i had to, lets just say it was necessary.

my birthday is in 2 weeks…. I’ll be 36.. I’m split on how i feel about it.. i am absolutely terrified of getting older.. i heard in a movie once a couple of years ago, “we are all dying a little bit every day. we just get one day closer to death”. don’t ask me what movie that was, or who said it, I dont remember at all.. but its stuck with me ever since, and my fear of death is absolutely suffocating, in the most paralyzing of ways.. silly, i know.. but it’s there, and its real..

anyways, its 9am, and day already looks stunning! i am so happy that spring is finally here! i am a spring and fall weather type of girl. i like the mild transitioning weather. its refreshing. the sun is out, i hear a multitude of birds singing.. i have the sliding patio door opened a few inches to let our 2 kitties and our little dog come and go.. they can’t go anywhere, we live on the 3rd floor of our apartment building, so it’s the next best thing to freedom, for the cats at least… our pooch would never even attempt to go anywhere unless i was at least within a few feet of her.

alright, time to go.. i am in need of a shower, and then i get to babysit my 3-year-old niece for a few hours.. yay me!

luvs & hugs!

Meet & Greet

So im a mom of 3 and step mom of 3 additional kids, all of which are under 16.. My fiance and i are waiting to get married until they are all more grown.. no biggie i guess, this is my 3rd marriage, so im all for waiting.

i still can’t believe that sometimes, im only 35 and im going into my 3rd marriage.. sometimes im super ashamed of that fact because i feel like i failed to make the first 2 work, or rather, i failed to see that NOT getting married the first 2 times would be the best choice altogether.

my first husband got me into drugs and he was really abusive. even though i grew up with a very straight-laced family and went to a private school and never went to a party or was ever kissed by a boy, or much less looked at by a boy as anything more than just a friend or best friend even, the crazy chaotic life of drugs and stupidity really called to me.. VERY. LOUDLY.

anyway, when i was 18, i met a guy, who had i known what i know now, should have made my skin crawl and send up red flags.. whatever, i got pregnant after a year, and we got married 8 months later.. the following year, i got pregnant again (i’ll fill you in more about this some other time, but it was with someone else but it’s not what you think), and i couldnt stand the abuse anymore, so i bailed..

i moved in with my mom, who was also divorcing my dad, and she helped me get through my divorce..

fast forward a couple of years, and i met yet ANOTHER piece of shit… but nope! i didnt see that he was a piece of shit, i saw that he paid attention to me.. after a year, i got pregnant.. aaaaand we got married.. cuz, that’s what i do lol. im the female equivalent to Ross Geller.

he turned out to be an abusive, raging alcoholic, and we ended up divorcing too..

so what makes the relationship im in now different from the rest? the guy im with now, #1 doesnt do drugs, 10 years ago, he was a pot head, but he chose to be a hard working father instead.. hes never raised a hand to me or anyone else for that matter, he’s sweet and loving, and he looks at me like im a queen in his castle. he loves my kids as they were his own, and they call him dad now.. my oldest struggles with it, but he’s almost 15, so totally understandable right.. he takes care of us and shows us, or rather ME, what a real man does for his woman. we’ve been together for over 4 years, and every time he says “i love you”, my heart STILL flutters..

whats the point of my blog if all im going to do is gush and blubber? to tell someone that doesnt know me, that something is massively wrong with me. i used to think maybe i had sociopathic tendencies, but i dont think that’s it.. i do know this.. after all that’s happened in my life (done by my own stupidity) i am utterly FUCKED UP, and i dont know how to fix any of it…..

i’ll eventually lay it all out for you, i’ll get down into the nitty gritty and the muck and grime that has been my life for the last 16 years. but for now, im getting used to this blogging thing.. it’s like writing in a diary and leaving it out for eeeeeveryone to read your deepest darkest secrets, and ugly admissions and confessions.. so, i’ll get there.

luvs & hugs